Why do mothers judge each other?

Where is the solidarity between mothers? Why do we feel a need to cast a side-long glance in the direction of every other mum we pass on the street?

There are so many ways for women to judge each other and I ask the question, do men do that? Do men get through life constantly questioning the moves and motives of every other man, or do they get on with their own lives confidently, not worrying what the father next door is doing?

We, as women and mothers, need to stop being so critical. Does it hurt me or impact on my life in any way, shape or form that you do things differently? If it does not, then I should spare you my judgement.

Whether you choose to stay at home or continue your career, use cloth nappies or disposables, breastfeed your child until he's 3 years old or bottle feed from birth, give your child toys that I don't approve of ... we can disagree about these things until we lie down and die, but it doesn't achieve anything and all that time, all those years of motherhood spent scornfully snarling at each other's choices, merely increases the great gaping divide between us to further isolate and alienate each other.

I now realise that this constant criticism between women and mothers comes from a place of fragile insecurity in ourselves. First and foremost we judge ourselves too easily. We don't expect other women to be super mums, but we do expect that from ourselves. So we try to make the right decisions, we try to do the best we can and so finally we come to the conclusion that our way is the only way.

My supposedly comforting advice to another mother "do whatever is best for you and it will be what's best for your baby" came back to haunt me when, after struggling with breastfeeding for 4 and a half months I finally accepted that I had "failed". Jude was happier now that he was no longer fighting me off at meal times and was getting a full feed, and theoretically I understood that I had done everything I could and it wasn't my fault, but emotionally I continue to struggle. After a month I still find myself wondering if it would be possible to restart breastfeeding as I squeeze a little remnant milk from my nipple just to make sure ... I don't know why.

It doesn't help that when I meet other mothers and share my sad tale they ask me if I did this or tried that, and look at me with disrespect, tearing away at my already tattered ego. It's too late now anyway, even if I hadn't already tried everything. Nothing you can say will change things now and your scorn makes me feel terrible.

Having been on the receiving end of such judgement I see now with wide-open eyes that we, as women and mothers, should be there for each other and put aside our differences to give each other the support and love that we really, really need.

Competing, Lies and Mothers

True to my self-doubting form, I invited a community nurse to visit me at home and observe Jude's sleeping and eating routines. This was about a month ago, before I finally accepted the end of breast feeding and before I realised Jude's sleeping patterns were quite normal.

While the nurse was visiting us Jude slept perfectly (of course), so I ended up chatting with the nurse about motherhood in general and other mums (no single mum in particular). She told me how shocked she often is during group meetings when mums start talking about how perfect their babies are and how well they sleep/feed/learn/play etc. As a community nurse she has spoken to the same mothers in private who say very different things to her about their experience.

I can't help but notice how 90% of the mothers I interact with tell me that their babies sleep through the night, when everything I read in parenting books or hear from the medical health community tells me that most babies don't sleep through the night.

A little probing reveals that "sleeping through" means very different things to different people. One mother I spoke to recently admitted her baby wakes up at 5am every morning ready to start the day. In fact, many of the mothers who claim their babies sleep through are very early risers, out strutting the pavement with their babies and prams at sunrise.

Other mums have revealed that their babies don't sleep until later at night. One mother told me that she is often still awake at midnight struggling to settle her baby to sleep.

Other mothers say "my baby sleeps from 7 til 7," but if you listen carefully you'll hear them mutter under their breath "she wakes up around 3am, but I give her a little drink of milk and a cuddle and she goes back to sleep."



I'm sorry, did I hear that correctly? So what you're really saying is that your baby wakes up in the middle of the night for a feed. How exactly is that "sleeping through"?

The concept of "sleeping through" means to me that a baby goes to bed at 7pm and wakes again at 7am without so much as flinching through the night (they can flinch, as long as it doesn't wake up mum and dad). How many babies do that, I ask? My guess is very very few.

Mothers out there, stop lying! You're not being at all helpful or constructive by painting your picture with rose-hued brush strokes. It isn't a competition, we're supposed to be there to support each other by creating realistic expectations and sharing true information. I'm sure you don't want to be a negative Nelly but there's a big difference between staying positive about your experience and telling outright BS!

Well I'm here to set the record straight. Next time you hear someone telling you their life with baby is perfect, rest assured it simply isn't true.

5-Month-Old Angel

Jude has been perfectly delightful lately. He smiles, giggles and babbles constantly. Just yesterday he discovered that his toes reach his mouth, and it's the cutest thing in the world to see him with his bum in the air, hands grasping his feet and his toes between his gums. Don't be fooled. If you see a cute photo of a baby, there's a very good chance it isn't a newborn. Most likely that cute, smiling little bundle of joy is at least 5 months old.

He's also taken to sleeping a lot during the day. He doesn't sleep for too long, but he sleeps like clockwork. 1 hour of sleep followed by 2 hours of awake time then back to sleep for another hour. However, this means he has 4 day-time sleeps which is more than other babies his age. It is a bit of problem for trying to organise my day, especially now that I'm going to Mothers Group.

I've introduced him to solid food. So far he's eating breakfast and dinner but I'm going to add in lunch (I guess) tomorrow (I have to buy some more food first). Breakfast and dinner are easy to implement, but lunch will be a bit tricky since (a) I have not (and never will) force Jude onto a strict routine just for my own convenience and (b) I'm not sure how to manage lunch if I am out-and-about. Anyway, I'm sure it will sort itself out, these things have a way of just working.

Lately Jeremy has been taking the night shift. Since Jude decided to wean himself off the boob, Jeremy can bottle feed him as easily as I can, and since Jeremy can get back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night and I can't, it makes more sense this way.

However, after 8 solid months of no sleep (including the third trimester when I had pelvic displacement and the pain kept me awake), my body clock was completely out of whack and I just can't sleep any more, so I took some sleeping pills for a few nights to reprogram my sleep patterns and it helped. I have since dropped the sleeping pills and I'm now taking natural melatonin. Last night was a bit difficult for some reason, I think because I had a set-back the night before when the neighbours decided to do aerobics in the middle of the night (or something, they probably came home drunk and decided it was a good time for Dance Dance Revolution).

I just have to keep working on it. I know I'm not alone. I know there are other mothers out there who can't get back to sleep after feeding their babies, either (although I am yet to meet one), but I wonder if I'm the only mother who still can't sleep even now I don't have to get up to feed my baby.