Invalidation from Other Mothers

Mothers groups and online forums provide a wonderful means of communicating with other mothers during the often bewildering first weeks and months of new motherhood. As each mother's experience is unique, the opportunity to share with other women is a golden chance to find solidarity with other mothers who are also figuring things out as they go.

Unfortunately, mothers groups and online parenting forums can also be completely invalidating. Online forums have proven particularly damaging when they provide little more than a façade of comfort (which occurs if closer real-life connections are not made). In the past year, an Australian mother suffering severe post natal depression reached out across multiple parenting forums for support and found none. She broke down and killed her children. This is an extreme example but serves as a terrifying reminder of the potentially damaging effects of invalidation.

One primary cause of invalidation is that many mothers feel judged by others and themselves and worry that their feelings may not be normal so they present a very one-angled view of their experience. When mothers share only fragmented pieces of their experience, it merely acts to reinforce the sense that the feelings they have kept to themselves are abnormal.

If a woman does share the deeper parts of her experience, the response from other mothers is vitally important. Invalidating responses range from seemingly benign to outright cruel.

Hollow sympathy, i.e., "I hope it gets better for you soon," diminishes the mother's experience by openly suggesting that (a) her experience is not shared, and (b) her experience is fleeting and is, therefore, insignificant. This is one of the most common responses from other mothers, and due to its seemingly genuinely sympathetic nature can also be one of the most damaging and invalidating responses. Such responses tend to pile up on a mother until she feels her reality has been reduced to complete irrelevance by the women around her.

Similarly, many mothers who have had multiple children forget the difficulties and confusion they faced the first time around. Subsequent children are viewed through the rose-coloured lenses of experience. There are quite a number of ways an experienced mother invalidates the concerns of a first-time mother. "We've all been there before, don't worry", "They grow up so fast, enjoy these early weeks while you can", "if you feel like that you should talk to someone" are all dangerously harmful responses which lack solidarity and diminish a mother's reality.

Outright cruel responses, such as "you're a bad mum", are thankfully less common but they do occur and are obviously damaging on a woman's psyche.

So what should be done?

As members of mothers groups and online forums it's vitally important to treat every woman's experience as real. Validating responses acknowledge the mother's feelings and opinions as true, honest and acceptable.

For example: One of the mothers from my mothers group commented that she feels judged when she is bottle-feeding her baby in public. I acknowledged her reality by agreeing that some woman will judge her, but I also comforted her by letting her know that not all women will judge her and that I didn't judge her. Finally, I validated her choice to bottle feed by reminding her that her choice makes her life easier and happier and is therefore the best choice for her baby. One of the other mothers in the group then added that she has experienced the same feelings of judgement while bottle feeding in public as well.

It would have been icy cold comfort if I had simply said "oh honey, I hope it gets better for you,” and there is little chance the other mother would have opened up and shared her experience. Hopefully you can see how that would have actually had a negative impact on the mother. Please keep this in mind if you have an opportunity to validate the reality of a first-time mum. Your response will make the world of the difference. I should know, I am a first-time mum.

Getting Baby to Sleep

I'm not glad that I paid $200 for antenatal classes that turned out to be entirely useless. They didn't prepare me for the reality of what I experienced in giving birth, nor did they prepare me for the reality of what comes next.

We were told babies follow a routine of feed-play-sleep (or simply feed-sleep for newborns). However, Jude did not care for supposed routines. From week 4 to week 8 he flat out refused to sleep during the day, thus making it impossible for me to do anything (like eat lunch or get dressed) during the day.

It was incredibly frustrating. Yes, some babies do follow by-the-book routines but some babies don't and it's unfair to disarm expectant mothers by pretending otherwise. I was completely oblivious to how severely my life would be turned upside down and dumped on its head by having a baby that didn't nap during the day, and by day I mean from 8am until 11 o'clock at night.

Almost all babies start off life waking every 3 or 4 hours (some every 2 hours) through the night. For me this meant that Jude feeds at 10pm, then 2am, then 5am, then 8am and I try to sleep in between. Some babies grow out of this pattern and start skipping one of those night-time feeds. According to one of my baby bibles (which I rushed out to buy as soon as I realised the antenatal classes had been a flat-out waste of money), babies can't really sustain themselves overnight until they're about 5kgs because their stomach is too small prior to that.

Jude was born smaller than average and at nearly 10 weeks of age he still hasn't reached 5kgs. Many babies will reach 5kgs as early as 6 weeks of age. This means that while all those mums with babies the same age as Jude are complaining they can only sleep from 8pm until 7am (what?), I am still getting up twice in the middle of the night to feed Jude and I leap with joy on the rare occasion that I get 5 hours in a row of beautiful, blissful, uninterrupted sleep.

Note: Not all babies start skipping night feeds once they reach the golden weight of 5kgs. Some babies still wake for feeds at 1 year of age or even older.

Happily, Jude has started sleeping more during the day allowing me time to catch up on much needed tasks like cleaning my bathroom (which was a bit skanky after 8 weeks of mold cultivation). I'm not sure if we've done anything to encourage the sleeping or Jude's doing it on his own, but we have tried very hard by putting him to bed when we think he's tired. There are supposed to be clear signs that a baby is tired, but Jude's signs are subtle and we function on guess work.

I've learned through trial and error that Jude likes it when I sit by his bassinet and read him a story. He's not interested in the pictures and I'm sure he has no idea what I'm saying, but a reading voice is different from a conversation voice, there's a certain rhythm to the written word that helps calm Jude and lull him towards sleep. My aim is simply to quieten him to a state of peace so he can put himself to sleep when I leave the room.

Jeremy's technique is to sing him a medley of songs with the same tune, like the ABC and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

It's been a long, confusing and exhausting journey to help Jude sleep. The scary part is, what works today might suddenly stop working tomorrow. With babies you just never know. As my GP said, as soon as you think there's a routine developing something happens and everything changes.

Warning: Bad advice and Mastitis

While in hospital after giving birth to Jude I tried to make use of the supposed deep well of knowledge that were the nurses and midwives surrounding me. I thought "I'm going to be out on my own soon. I should ask all the questions I can think of now so I am prepared when I go home". In retrospect, I wish I'd done anything but ask for help.

36 solid hours with not a wink of sleep following labour, my first night in hospital saw me falling apart at the seams with fatigue. At 10pm a night nurse told me I had a "sleepy baby" and I needed to wake up every 2 hours to feed him. She told me to set my alarm for midnight. She took Jude to the nursery so I could have a short uninterrupted sleep before I had to wake up again. All I could do was cry but I wanted to do the right thing by my son, so I set to work feeding him constantly without any sleep.

The next day the paediatrician came in and was horrified to see on Jude's chart that he had been subjected to a blood sugar test and that I had been subjected to feeding round the clock. "He doesn't actually need to eat," Dr Withers told me. "His stomach is the size of a pea and it's full of amniotic fluid. The only reason to feed him is to give him a little colostrum and get some practice at breastfeeding."

All the same, the idea that I had a sleepy baby and that something was wrong with Jude stuck with me and I couldn't stop waking to feed him. I just wanted to be a good mother to my little innocent baby boy.

Now, Jude was a natural at attaching to the breast, but being a first time mum I didn't know what correct attachment really was, so I asked the nurses to check each time I fed Jude. They kept telling me conflicting information. "He's not attached properly, you can tell because you can still see some areola. He should have all the areola in his mouth," one nurse told me, ignoring the fact that all women have different sized areolas and that my son was incredibly small with a little mouth.

I kept taking him off my breast and reattaching him, but this constant tug-of-war on my nipples was absolute hell and it wasn't long before my nipples were cracked and swollen.

During my last night in hospital I felt my milk come in, and I was discharged from hospital the next day with hugely swollen breasts and very sore nipples.

That night at home I took a nap and woke up at 7pm shivering uncontrollably with my right breast throbbing painfully. I tried to take a hot shower to warm up but I could barely stand and when I got out of the shower I was freezing. I took some paracetamol and the shivering finally subsided after 2 hours, but I knew something was wrong.

The next day I felt terrible and made my way to the GP. It was Sunday so I had to wait for almost 2 hours as people kept coming in off the street with apparent emergencies that were getting priority over me. Finally I burst into tears and told them I was in pain and I had a 5-day-old baby waiting for me back home. The nurse on duty said "you should have said something, honey," but I failed to understand why the girl with 3-month pregnancy morning sickness was being treated as an emergency when I had been waiting patiently with an actual appointment, I didn't think I needed to say something in those circumstances.

The GP took one look at my red swollen breast and diagnosed mastitis. He prescribed antibiotics and I started the course immediately but it took about 3 days for them to work. In the mean time I continued shivering with fever while trying to breastfeed, but my nipple was so swollen Jude could no longer attach to my right breast. The engorgement of milk was unbearable so I rushed out to buy a breast pump, even though I was sick with pain and fatigue and just wanted to stay in bed.

Pumping the swollen nipple was hell but I had to persevere or risk losing my milk supply, plus I had to get rid of that built up milk and try, try, try to unblock my milk ducts.

Fresh out of hospital with no idea what I was doing I found myself living this torture. All my questions and search for knowledge in hospital had not only given me nothing of any value, but had resulted in me getting very sick and it set me on an early path in the worst possible direction. I wouldn't wish mastitis on anyone, but a new mum fresh out of hospital with no one around to support her ... there couldn't be a worse scenario.

Since then I bought some parenting and baby books that explained things much better and made a lot of sense to me, and showed me that the nurses in hospital were completely wrong in everything they told me. If I had my time over I would do things differently, because I feel like I lost the ability to sit back and enjoy the lovely first week of my son's life, back when he slept all day and his needs were very simple.

Pre Eclampsia and an Emergency Epidural

9.36pm. Waters broke 5 minutes after my head hit the pillow. I sat up uncertainly as a small trickle escaped. A wave of energy ran through my uterus. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling but I knew what it was. Waddling out to the living room where Jeremy sat trying to fix my computer, I wondered what to do next. “My waters just broke,” I said. Jeremy stood up to hug me and I started to cry as the reality sunk in.

The hospital wanted me to come in right away, but told me not to rush. I was prepared for this news. Both Mum and Nan started their labours with their waters breaking first so I knew it would happen that way and had long since given up the dream of labouring slowly in the peace and solitude of my home.

In the last weeks of my pregnancy I’d developed pre eclampsia. After several days of hospital visits and constant monitoring, the doctors told me that baby needed to come out. I was just waiting for my obstetrician, Dr Cary, to return from school holidays the next day. Facing a medical induction, we raced the clock using every trick in the book (sex, spicy food, acupressure and caster oil) and won. I was feeling very pleased with myself as we drove to hospital, but a bit of a surprise lay waiting for me.

Dr Cary came to see me right away. He gently informed me that I was going to need an epidural. Somewhere in the bottom of my labour bag sat several copies of a birth plan that would never be used. The birth plan had specifically requested no epidural unless needed in an emergency. High blood pressure, it turned out, was such an emergency. The epidural would lower my blood pressure and ensure that the pain of contractions didn’t tip me over the edge of safety. It also meant Dr Cary could pump me full of Syntocin to get the contractions hurtling along like a bullet train and baby could be delivered as quickly as possible.

As it turned out this was the best-case scenario. I had an appointment to see Dr Cary the next day but he told me in hospital that I was in line for a serious chat. If I hadn’t gone into labour on my own and my cervix wasn’t ripe I would have been facing a caesarian. I guess I hadn’t realised the seriousness of my situation.

The anaesthetist arrived and I was systematically attached to a drip, CTG, blood pressure monitor and finally the big needle was stuck in my spine. “Let’s have a dawn baby,” Dr Cary said when he left me after midnight to go home and get some shut eye.

During the night I couldn’t sleep. There was no pain or discomfort, just a steady boredom and a nagging interest in what was happening inside me. Next door I heard blood-curdling screams of another woman in labour. I could feel the baby moving and as the night dragged and my legs became heavier and more numb, I could steadily feel my contractions as short, sharp pains growing closer together.

Two midwives attended to me through the night. I chatted with them and discovered the primary attendant was a trainee. It was apparent by the fact that she failed to find my urethra 5 times while trying to insert the catheter. I quickly gave up any pretense of dignity. After all, I had already soaked my pants through with amniotic fluid when I arrived, but it would have been nice to have a competent midwife by my side through the long night.

As dawn came creeping over the horizon the midwives starting fussing about my contractions which they insisted were getting weaker. During the night they’d upped the Syntocin according to Dr Cary’s schedule so they failed to understand what was happening to my labour. I was frustrated and worried. This was the reason I’d wanted to avoid an epidural. I’d heard the horror stories of 40-hour labours resulting in c-sections and I started to see it happening to me. I wanted to sit up and give gravity a chance. So the midwife raised my bed for me and I was suddenly overcome by nausea. The midwives handed me a sick bag and a wet cloth.

Soon after 6am Dr Cary arrived back on the scene and asked me how I was feeling. “Nauseous,” I said, holding back tears of frustration. “Let’s take a look.” Dr Cary took one look and saw a head. “Well the reason you’re feeling nauseous is because you’re about to have a baby, so let’s get those legs up and push!”

The midwives were shocked. I guess if either one of them had bothered to actually examine me internally, instead of trying to rely entirely on the CTG, they might have known what was happening. They were so useless and were completely unprepared for delivery. They flew into action as Dr Cary gently coaxed them. I shudder to think what would have happened if Dr Cary hadn’t shown up when he did, but he did so I won’t waste time worrying about that.

Three contractions and some well-visualised pushes later, our darling Jude was born. As his head emerged I stopped pushing and sat back to watch in quiet contemplation as his body was delivered on October 7th, 2008 at 6.39am. My little posterior baby had turned himself around. What an angel!

The midwives were pretty astonished by how quickly it happened. Jeremy and I were blissfully happy, we both cried as Jude was placed immediately on my tummy. He was all slippery and floppy and fragile. “Is it a boy?” I asked through tears of joy, but they hadn’t looked between his legs yet. It was soon confirmed what the 19-week ultrasound had shown … the dream that had been Jude Hugo Thomas was now a beautiful, perfect reality.

Jude opened his left eye, then his right eye and started searching my chest for the nearest nipple.

Pre-Eclampsia or Hypertension

On Thursday I went for my routine 38-week check up. I mentioned to the midwife that I thought baby's movements had been a bit less pronounced. She asked me if I felt it was a significant reduction in movement and I didn't really know how to answer that question (based on what knowledge would I be able to judge what "significant" means in this case?) The midwife suggested a cardiotocograph (CTG) which is just a simple heat-beat monitoring test for the baby.

After that, she measured my blood pressure. This is the only measurement I've had throughout my entire pregnancy. It has always measured around 120/70, but when the midwife checked it had risen to 130/90. She was a bit concerned about it, but I thought it was probably just related to the stress of wondering if my baby needed the CTG or not.

During the CTG that same day, my blood pressure raced up to 160/120. Now I happen to know from previous experience that I am susceptible to stress. My blood pressure has been this high before. I didn't think there was anything to worry about, but they ordered some blood tests.

That afternoon I had a call from the midwife who said my blood tests were ok but I should go to the hospital on Saturday for a follow up. That evening, however, I had another call from the attending obstetrician's office who said there were some concerns about my blood test and asked me to come back the next day (Friday).

Friday (yesterday) I went back for more monitoring. Apparently there was something about uric acid in my blood results. I had my blood pressure re-checked (the midwife said it was high, but I don't know what the measurement was) and then I had another blood test plus a urine test. The results didn't come back that same day, so I had to wait and see what happened at the hospital.

Today is Saturday. I went in to the hospital this morning with my husband by my side really not knowing what was going on. We had another CTG and my blood pressure was checked again. Today it measured 139/94, which is considered pretty high.

I asked some appropriate questions and I now know that I am being monitored for pre-eclampsia. A condition specific to pregnancy where a woman's blood pressure rises for no known reason. It starts in the placenta and can cause oxygen deprivation for the baby. It can be quite serious. At my stage in pregnancy the treatment is to deliver the baby as quickly as possible.

My obstetrician is away on school holidays, but he'll return this week. At the moment I'm not particularly under any specific obstetrician's care (just whoever is on duty). The doctor on duty this weekend didn't want to make a call today, given that he's just been introduced to my paper work (although I haven't met him because he was in theatre when I was there).

This means I have to go back again tomorrow (Sunday) for more blood/urine/blood pressure tests and a CTG and if my blood pressure has gone up or my tests come back any worse I will be induced almost immediately.

This comes as quite a shock. I'm a little bit thrown that I could suddenly be facing the imminent arrival of my baby. It's been 9 months and in just one more week I will reach my due date. My baby has already been considered full-term for 2 weeks, so having my baby now is completely acceptable it's just that I hadn't expected it to be this way.

I had assumed I would go into labour at a time that the baby would choose and it would all be a big surprise and at first I wouldn't even realise I was in labour, or I wouldn't be certain, and it would probably be in the middle of the night ... but now I'm facing a very real chance it could be tomorrow.

I sort of hope I go into labour naturally in the middle of the night and skip all this rigmarole.

Braxton Hicks Contractions

At some point during pregnancy a woman's body produces hormones that tell the uterus to get into shape and start practising for labour. The resulting contractions are called Braxton Hicks. They're (usually) painless and are felt as a tightening of the entire uterus, so they may be uncomfortable.

I didn't notice them at all until the last 2 weeks or so. My obstetrician asked me if I'd felt them around 30 weeks, I said I hadn't had any. He said I probably had, I just hadn't noticed. As far as practice contractions go, I think my uterus has been a bit laid back.

Until a couple of nights ago. I woke up with a strong, sharp, tight pain in a band across my abdomen. I eased myself out of bed and felt an ache in my lower back. I thought it might be the real deal, I hadn't experienced this before. After emptying my bladder I returned to bed, feeling a bit shaken and sore. Was this it?

The thought occurred to me that once labour begins it won't stop until the baby is born. I'll have no control over it. The pain will come and go and become more intense, and I won't be able to do anything.

As I lay in bed wondering if another contraction would follow I somehow knew that it wasn't actual labour. I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself it was just a strong Braxton Hicks and I then I went back to sleep. They say I'll know when I'm in labour and I believe that's true, but now I'm feeling constantly on edge wondering when it's going to happen ... could be any time.

Where's Baby?

I had a bit of fun this morning with my camera. This silly series was taken at 37 weeks and 4 days.

Where's my Bump?

Ah, There it is!

Monitoring Fetal Movements

I am 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. There isn't long to go now. Officially, my baby is now fully developed and could be born without complication (and quite probably a full head of thick hair). It's a wonderful, beautiful feeling to know that we made it to the end ... but the baby isn't on the verge of falling out just yet, there's quite likely a few weeks to go.

I've been advised by my obstetrician and various books that I should be counting my baby's movements. If I register a decline in activity inside my uterus, I should contact the hospital. My doctor told me there should be 10 movements before morning tea.

This frantic counting from the moment I wake up has me a little bit worried during those times when the baby is asleep. Sometimes I realise I've been a bit preoccupied with other things and I haven't noticed for hours whether the baby has moved or not, and so pass a few tense moments until I feel a telltale wriggle from inside me telling me everything is OK.

I'd really like to be able to relax. Didn't we make it? Haven't we reached our final goal? Why now, in these last few weeks, can't I take it easy? I don't want to be counting movements, it's tedious and stressful and I haven't actually once counted to 10 because I always lose interest around 5. This simply isn't how I want to spend my day or even the first few hours before morning tea.

And yet I'll just take a moment to pause now, pat my belly and check to see what's going on. Baby's sleeping ... should I call the hospital or wait, worried and anxious, until baby moves again?

Vitamin Supplements in Pregnancy

I have just been taught me a very important lesson. Do not take your health for granted in pregnancy. When a woman grows a baby inside her womb all the mother's nutrition goes to the baby. If there's nothing left for mum at the end of the day then mum misses out. Even someone like me, someone who has always eaten a well-balanced diet and is always in the best of health, can end up basically malnourished after the baby gets all the good stuff.

Last week I started to experience debilitating fatigue. It was a lot more than just feeling tired or not getting enough sleep. I was completely run down. My eyes burned with exhaustion all day and I struggled to function. I became incredibly clumsy and lost awareness of my own space so I was always bumping into things. At first it was just physical, but it rapidly became quite mental as well and I was overwhelmed by stress and emotion.

Just before my last obstetrics appointment I was trying to fill out some paperwork that needed to be signed and was quite straight forward, but it was too much for me and I completely broke down. I was crying uncontrollably into my pillow with my poor husband trying to console me, but not really knowing how to help or why I was so distressed.

He's a wonderful friend, that husband of mine, so he gave me an expanding file folder on which he wrote "Too Overwhelming Folder (even a little bit)" and he said "put anything that you can't cope with in there every day and I'll take of care of it when I get home from work." This cheered me up enough so I could wash my face and go see my doctor.

I told the doctor about the fatigue, and he said it was completely normal in the last stage of pregnancy. What I neglected to tell him was that I never followed his advice and I hadn't been taking the supplements that he recommended about 3 months ago. Back then, I decided not to buy expensive supplements because my blood tests came back perfect and so I arrogantly thought "clearly my diet is good enough and I don't need extra vitamins."

It turns out I was wrong. After seeing my doctor I headed over to the hospital pharmacy to buy the elevit supplements, just in case they would help. I was going to get just 1-month's supply to see me to the end of my pregnancy, but Jeremy reminded me that a breastfeeding woman needs even better nutrition than a pregnant woman, so we spent a bit extra for the 100-day box.

I started taking the supplements that evening and they had the most miraculous impact on my mental and physical health. I went from falling apart one day, to washing the bathroom and vacuuming the house the next.

We're having some friends come and stay on Saturday night, and we're entertaining some more friends on Sunday night and without the proper nutrition in my system I can assure you that I never would have coped with visitors, especially 2 nights in a row, so I am very glad that I (finally) made the right decision and invested ... yes, it was an investment ... in my health.

Pregnancy Pains

Oh, how I bragged through the first and second trimesters when my pregnancy was going so swimmingly. Then along came the third trimester and the pain.

The pain was concentrated in my hips and pelvis. It became quite unbearable at night when I was trying to sleep. I was advised not to sleep on my back any more, because the weight of a baby on vital arteries is detrimental to a pregnant woman's health, but the agony of lying on my side was too much to handle. I was at my wits end so I went to see the physiotherapist who lives a floor down from my obstetrician.

It became suddenly apparent that Relaxin, a hormone produced during pregnancy to help relax both mind and body in preparation for birth, had caused my hips to slip out of alignment. The physio did a great job of realigning my hips. The pain didn't vanish, but it became tolerable.

Soon afterwards, however, I started experiencing shooting pains in my left buttocks. It would stop me in my tracks for a moment, but the pain would subside and I was able to go about my business in manageable discomfort. I mentioned the pain to my obstetrician and he diagnosed sciatica, a common-enough complaint in pregnancy caused by the baby's weight on the sciatic nerve which runs from the lower back down the bum and right down the back of the leg. He told me to see the physio, but I thought I could tough it out.

Then one Tuesday I was in agony. The literal pain in the bum spread down my thigh and into my calf muscle. I couldn't walk, stand, sit, lie ... hop, skip or jump. Fighting back tears I made another appointment to see the physio and they slipped me in on Thursday. Of course (as always happens when I go to see a doctor) that Thursday I felt tip-top with no pain at all, but I explained what I'd been experiencing.

The physio saw that my hips were out of alignment again so she pummeled me some more and sent me on my way. It didn't really help the sciatica so I figured I'd just have to wait until baby is born to be pain free again.

However, the sciatica remains and I'm sick of the discomfort. I know it's all related to the fact that my baby is sitting on my left-side with its back pressed against my back (which is known as posterior positioning and is "not optimal" according to my obstetrician). I heard that acupuncture could help reposition a baby, as well as fix sciatica, so I went along this morning with my husband to his medical acupuncturist to ask if there was anything that could be done.

To my disappointment, I wasn't given acupuncture, just some more pummeling. The Doctor also recognised my lack of proper alignment and he spent some time pushing my lower back and hips into shape. Then the remedial massage woman came in and gave me a deep-tissue massage in my butt cheek to try and sort out that sciatica.

I'm feeling fine as I write this, but I'll have to wait and see what the long-term benefits of this third round of pain management are for me. There are only 4 more weeks until baby is due, but I would very much enjoy 4 pain-free weeks so I can rest and relax before the baby turns my life upside down.