When it gets easier to be a mother

"I know it's hard now, but things will get better."

This is the adage that gets thrown around and quoted endlessly to new mothers. It's true, but not at all helpful. When I was a new mother I knew things would get better but the only thing I wanted to know was "when?".

After I joined a mothers group I was able to observe common behaviour among babies of the same age group and it became clear that there are definite changes that occur for all babies of the same age at certain times, and I am here to shine the light at the end of the tunnel for any new mothers so they can clearly see exactly when things will get better.

The first 3 months are tough and babies need a lot of constant attention, but after that things start to improve.

1. At around 3 months all babies can lie on their back on a play mat and swipe purposefully at toys hanging above them as they studiously learn the motor skills required to aim at hanging objects. Parents should introduce this activity from about 2 months. This form of play keeps a baby occupied for only a short time (at first just a few minutes), but will allow an exhausted mother a chance to sit back, eat a sandwich and watch her baby without having to hold and rock her baby in her arms.

2. Around 4 months all babies start to have longer attention spans and greatly improved motor skills when playing with toys. Linked plastic rings are an excellent toy at this age as babies can grasp them easily and enjoy putting them in their mouths. A baby might stay relaxed for about half an hour while sitting on your lap so you can attend mothers group meetings or meet friends for lunch.

3. Around 5 months all babies enjoy lying on a soft mat and playing independently with toys while mum is nearby. This is a great opportunity to get back into yoga (which your baby will find hilariously entertaining) or catch up with some work-from-home.

Note: If you've struggled with sleep patterns with your baby, rest assured that by now (but even before 5 months) tired signs should be very clear (rubbing eyes and yawning) and your baby will have developed his/her own sleep routines. Don't believe the hype, you do not need to force routines on your baby, they will sort themselves out and you don't have to wear yourself thin attempting to keep your baby awake or force feeds when your baby is already asleep.

4. Around 6 months all babies start enjoying food and can grasp rusks and other sticks of age-appropriate food to feed themselves and keep themselves entertained, but always watch your baby eating to make sure s/he doesn't choke. Some babies at this age can sit well on their own, roll around, crawl or even pull themselves up to stand by holding on to furniture. You need to keep an eye on your baby, but you will find more time to be able to do your own thing.

Note: Babies develop these skills at vastly different ages so don't be alarmed if your baby can't do all these things.

An important word about TV: It is not recommended to allow your baby to watch TV. "Experts suspect that babies younger than two years old view TV as a confusing array of colors, images, and noises" (source). So even though TV does mesmerise babies giving mummy more time to herself, it is overstimulating and does absolutely nothing to help your child's development. "Research has demonstrated that many young children believe that TV characters actually live inside the TV set. This can confuse young children’s understanding of the world and get in the way of their learning what’s right or wrong" (source). Yes, it's very tempting to plop baby down in front of Dora or Elmo, but imagine how those TV worlds are interpreted by a baby's mind. It's scary to think.

The 4 Month Baby

At 3 months people started to congratulate me for getting through the hard part. With the days of the eat-sleep-eat-sleep routine falling behind us, things were starting to look up. It was true that my days were getting better.

As Jude gained week upon week, he started to be a little more independent every day. I remember the first time I put him on his play mat and vacuumed around him. Joy! I could finally get things done again. People with babies that sleep well during the day may not understand what an accomplishment that single feat was, but it was a mega-milestone. The ability to function can not be taken lightly, I personally will never take it for granted again.

However, despite Jude's growing autonomy and despite the congratulatory remarks around 3 months, things were still tricky. Jude's signals for hunger and sleep were still lacking and I didn't feel like I was on top of things quite yet, but by the time 4 months rolled around life with baby had really improved.

The books all tell you to watch for tired signs like rubbing their eyes, but they neglect to tell you that babies don't start with the clear perfect signs like eye rubbing until they're a little bit older, for Jude that was around 4 months. All of a sudden he became a little communicator. "Mummy, I'm tired," he would tell me with his fist in his eye and a little yawn on his perfect lips.

He's also started sleeping better during the day and when he wakes up too soon still grumpy, I can pick him up and give him a little cuddle and a kiss then put him back to sleep again. Today I took a nap in the middle of the day! It's taken me nearly 5 months to achieve that gargantuan goal, but achieve it I did.

Every day he seems to learn something new. First it was rolling around, then trying to sit up, then actually being able to sit for a couple of seconds on his own, yesterday he put his own dummy back in his mouth (and today he practised that trick some more). We just bought him a highchair and he was just sitting in it playing with his toys from a new angle without mummy holding him.

Jude smiles and laughs all the time, and he's ticklish under his armpits where he loves to be munched on by mummy. Yes that's right, he's no longer one of those weird little alien creatures, he's a little man with a very happy and charming personality. As his night sleeps improve, that light at the end of the tunnel is shining very brightly.