Some people love babies. Personally, I have never been a baby person. I enjoy the antics of toddlers and children who can in some form express their needs, be it in words or gestures, but babies are a mystery to me and having a 3-month old hasn’t changed that despite everyone’s (and I mean everyone) predictions that I would be miraculously "cured" of my attitude once I had a baby of my own. I didn't choose to procreate just so I could have a baby, I wanted to raise a child to be a good person.
It seems to me that human babies are born way too soon. When I was pregnant with Jude it was my job to protect him, feed him, keep him warm and deal with his waste. Since his birth nothing’s changed, except now instead of all those things being automatic, they now take a hell of a lot of time and effort. No other animal is born so completely dependant on its mother for so long after birth.
As far as babies go, Jude is a lovely little boy. He has a smile to melt the iciest heart and I love to watch him learning to reach out and play with his toys. Just the other day I saw him pass an object from his left hand to his right hand, and that tiny feat made me so proud of him, but most of my day is spent feeding him, changing his nappy, and trying to settle him back to sleep.
There’s no end to it, either. This isn’t an 8-hour work day, it’s 24 hours every day of the week. I don’t have weekends to look forward to and at the end of the day I can’t just say "phew, that was a tough day I’m exhausted, I can’t wait to lie down and have a good night’s sleep." I’m still waking up through the night to feed, change and settle Jude. It’s like being tied to a wheel. It just goes round and round and there’s no end to it in sight.
The tough part is that I keep hearing from other mothers with babies Jude’s age that their babies sleep for a long stretch at night, and have done so for the past month or more. I feel like no one in the entire world understands how I feel. I had no idea that motherhood could be so completely isolating both physically and mentally.
I’m about to start attending a mothers group, finally, but I’m afraid that it will just make me feel even worse when I am confronted by all those other mothers who don’t relate to me and my situation at all. Is there anyone who understands?
Friday 9 January 2009
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1 comment:
I understand :D And it does get easier as they get older! I've just hit 6 months and only had a full nights sleep 4 times. So I totally understand lol
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