When it gets easier to be a mother

"I know it's hard now, but things will get better."

This is the adage that gets thrown around and quoted endlessly to new mothers. It's true, but not at all helpful. When I was a new mother I knew things would get better but the only thing I wanted to know was "when?".

After I joined a mothers group I was able to observe common behaviour among babies of the same age group and it became clear that there are definite changes that occur for all babies of the same age at certain times, and I am here to shine the light at the end of the tunnel for any new mothers so they can clearly see exactly when things will get better.

The first 3 months are tough and babies need a lot of constant attention, but after that things start to improve.

1. At around 3 months all babies can lie on their back on a play mat and swipe purposefully at toys hanging above them as they studiously learn the motor skills required to aim at hanging objects. Parents should introduce this activity from about 2 months. This form of play keeps a baby occupied for only a short time (at first just a few minutes), but will allow an exhausted mother a chance to sit back, eat a sandwich and watch her baby without having to hold and rock her baby in her arms.

2. Around 4 months all babies start to have longer attention spans and greatly improved motor skills when playing with toys. Linked plastic rings are an excellent toy at this age as babies can grasp them easily and enjoy putting them in their mouths. A baby might stay relaxed for about half an hour while sitting on your lap so you can attend mothers group meetings or meet friends for lunch.

3. Around 5 months all babies enjoy lying on a soft mat and playing independently with toys while mum is nearby. This is a great opportunity to get back into yoga (which your baby will find hilariously entertaining) or catch up with some work-from-home.

Note: If you've struggled with sleep patterns with your baby, rest assured that by now (but even before 5 months) tired signs should be very clear (rubbing eyes and yawning) and your baby will have developed his/her own sleep routines. Don't believe the hype, you do not need to force routines on your baby, they will sort themselves out and you don't have to wear yourself thin attempting to keep your baby awake or force feeds when your baby is already asleep.

4. Around 6 months all babies start enjoying food and can grasp rusks and other sticks of age-appropriate food to feed themselves and keep themselves entertained, but always watch your baby eating to make sure s/he doesn't choke. Some babies at this age can sit well on their own, roll around, crawl or even pull themselves up to stand by holding on to furniture. You need to keep an eye on your baby, but you will find more time to be able to do your own thing.

Note: Babies develop these skills at vastly different ages so don't be alarmed if your baby can't do all these things.

An important word about TV: It is not recommended to allow your baby to watch TV. "Experts suspect that babies younger than two years old view TV as a confusing array of colors, images, and noises" (source). So even though TV does mesmerise babies giving mummy more time to herself, it is overstimulating and does absolutely nothing to help your child's development. "Research has demonstrated that many young children believe that TV characters actually live inside the TV set. This can confuse young children’s understanding of the world and get in the way of their learning what’s right or wrong" (source). Yes, it's very tempting to plop baby down in front of Dora or Elmo, but imagine how those TV worlds are interpreted by a baby's mind. It's scary to think.

Parenting without family support

There is some debate these days about what age is best for having children. Whether you're young and full of energy or older with an established career and a passport of travel experiences, one thing remains constant no matter how old you are. It is important to have family around when you have a baby.

This fact has come rushing at us from all angles as we dived into parenthood head-first with no family around to guide us through the murky waters. Jeremy's family lives in the USA and my family lives all over the place, but nowhere near me.

I confess that I didn't ever imagine it would be such a problem. When we first made the decision to start a family we gave ourselves 6 months to settle in to the idea as well as taking a round-the-world holiday as a last hurrah to our easy, child-free life. We thought we were so smart and prepared, but the truth was that the arrival of our baby was a complete shock.

There we were, treading water in the deep-end, trying to keep our heads above the water, with no one to throw a life ring to help us float.

I've since learned that many people have family members come and stay for months while they get used to their new roles as parents. Apparently, according to a mother I met recently, it is customary in Taiwan for new mothers to stay in bed for a month and not lift a finger to do anything. Family is there to do everything for her.

When I told doctors in those first few weeks of Jude's life that there was no family around, they all (every single one) remarked how difficult it would be for me and indicated that I was, therefore, a prime candidate for Post Natal Depression.

It all turned out to be very true. The absence of family was very noticeable. There was never a moment of downtime, there was no one to take Jude for a walk or mind him for a few hours, no one I could trust completely to take control of my life for a while, not even a single person I could ask to help out around the house or perhaps cook a meal for us. Jeremy and I had to do everything for ourselves, and Jeremy only had 2 weeks off work which very quickly put me on a 24/7 roster with not a moment to myself.

How could that not make me exhausted and depressed? How could I not have collapsed under the weight of all that responsibility? If I'd actually known what I was doing, if I'd had some experience as a mother perhaps I could have coped, but it was all new to me and the learning curve was extremely steep.

Now, 6 months down the track, things are much easier and I've settled into my role as mother. I've figured out what I'm doing and the learning curve has levelled out sufficiently so I'm no longer tackling a million new things every moment. People did tell me it would get better, but the problem with being a new mother is that you don't know when it will get better, there's no visible light at the end of the deep dark tunnel of love and with no family around shining a torch to guide the way, it's a very lonely and scary ride.