Parenting without family support

There is some debate these days about what age is best for having children. Whether you're young and full of energy or older with an established career and a passport of travel experiences, one thing remains constant no matter how old you are. It is important to have family around when you have a baby.

This fact has come rushing at us from all angles as we dived into parenthood head-first with no family around to guide us through the murky waters. Jeremy's family lives in the USA and my family lives all over the place, but nowhere near me.

I confess that I didn't ever imagine it would be such a problem. When we first made the decision to start a family we gave ourselves 6 months to settle in to the idea as well as taking a round-the-world holiday as a last hurrah to our easy, child-free life. We thought we were so smart and prepared, but the truth was that the arrival of our baby was a complete shock.

There we were, treading water in the deep-end, trying to keep our heads above the water, with no one to throw a life ring to help us float.

I've since learned that many people have family members come and stay for months while they get used to their new roles as parents. Apparently, according to a mother I met recently, it is customary in Taiwan for new mothers to stay in bed for a month and not lift a finger to do anything. Family is there to do everything for her.

When I told doctors in those first few weeks of Jude's life that there was no family around, they all (every single one) remarked how difficult it would be for me and indicated that I was, therefore, a prime candidate for Post Natal Depression.

It all turned out to be very true. The absence of family was very noticeable. There was never a moment of downtime, there was no one to take Jude for a walk or mind him for a few hours, no one I could trust completely to take control of my life for a while, not even a single person I could ask to help out around the house or perhaps cook a meal for us. Jeremy and I had to do everything for ourselves, and Jeremy only had 2 weeks off work which very quickly put me on a 24/7 roster with not a moment to myself.

How could that not make me exhausted and depressed? How could I not have collapsed under the weight of all that responsibility? If I'd actually known what I was doing, if I'd had some experience as a mother perhaps I could have coped, but it was all new to me and the learning curve was extremely steep.

Now, 6 months down the track, things are much easier and I've settled into my role as mother. I've figured out what I'm doing and the learning curve has levelled out sufficiently so I'm no longer tackling a million new things every moment. People did tell me it would get better, but the problem with being a new mother is that you don't know when it will get better, there's no visible light at the end of the deep dark tunnel of love and with no family around shining a torch to guide the way, it's a very lonely and scary ride.