Advice for our children

I saw a report on TV the other night stating that "our" generation is staying home with our parents well into our 20s and even our 30s. The suggestion was the we are mooching off our parents, but I say it's not our fault.

When our parents were our age (and younger) they married earlier and lived happily on a single family income. The fact is that house prices in those days were much, much more affordable.

We have a situation now where executive power couples (DINKS) are pushing real-estate prices up. Families on single incomes struggle to find an affordable first home so they can break into the housing market. Single people traditionally rent and don't consider buying their first home until ... well, until it's too late.

6 years ago I had enough money saved for a down payment on a small apartment but I moved to Japan for a few years to experience life in a different culture and decided to horde my savings. I didn't know anything about real estate and didn't understand how difficult things would become when I was looking for a home at the age of 32, no longer working and raising a small child on my husband's single income.

If I had bought a small apartment and rented it out while I was overseas I would have returned to a partially-paid mortgage on an investment that had increased in value. In other words, I would have already taken a step on the bottom rung of the real-estate ladder, but being single and young (I was 26) I didn't see the urgency.

Now I understand all too well.

When Jude is older and looking at moving out of home for the first time, my advice to him will be to buy a small studio apartment or an empty warehouse or a shoebox if that's what it takes, anything to get him on that bottom housing rung. I'll do everything in my power to help him.

Personally I think it will be a better investment if I helped him on a down payment for a small studio apartment than to have him mooch off me until he's 35. I really wish my parents had given me that same advice and helped me find and manage an investment property, but I guess "their" generation doesn't understand how hard it is for us. I vow not to let this happen to Jude.

Ode to my Baby

As Jude lay in my arms last night, giggling quietly to himself while falling asleep, I sat rocking him gently and cherished every moment. A few minutes earlier he had cried out for me through the darkness of the night and I rushed to his side as I always do when he cries.

My beautiful boy who loves his mummy and needs very little more than to be loved in return. I cherish every waking moment with you in my arms and when you cry out for me I hold it close to my heart.

One day you'll be all grown up and you won't need me any more. The times when you will crawl happily into my arms are few and short lived.

I implore all mothers and fathers out there, please don't ignore your baby when he or she cries out for you, your baby needs and wants you now but that won't long be the case. Cherish it while you can.

Toy Emulation - let's all buy the same toys

I've unearthed yet another strange phenomenon in motherhood. I'm going to name it Toy Emulation. This refers to the act of coveting the same toys (and other child-related objects) that other mothers have bought for their own children, the end result being that everyone owns the exact same stuff. The other side of Toy Emulation is that when a mother doesn't buy all the toys she is left feeling guilty and left out.

I wonder if this behaviour has ever been observed in literature. I should write a thesis and get a doctorate, but that can wait.

My first inkling to the existence of Toy Emulation came just after Christmas 2008. My sister gave Jude a set of linked plastic rings. Jude was 2 and a half months old and the rings were perfectly age appropriate for him. They quickly became the toy of choice that I took on outings. The rings clipped easily to his stroller, I could clip his dummy to them and I could hold one end of the chain while Jude played with the other end.

Soon after Christmas I joined a Mothers' Group and during one of the presentations on appropriate toys, the speaker commented on Jude's rings and said they were a good toy. The next week several mothers had bought similar rings after seeing Jude playing happily with his set.

Around the same time I noticed absolutely every mother from here to Timbuktu was buying the rather expensive Fisherprice Baby Swing. This bulky item requires space, a constant supply of batteries and a lot of spare cash, but it was the must-have item for infants. I am, to this day, left with a nagging feeling that I missed out because I was the only mother who didn't buy one.

I didn't really think much of it until more recently. As our children grow and become more interactive with their toys, we are all concerned about keeping our children entertained and engaged, so we've all become more mindful about their toys. A lumpy rubber ball proved popular amongst the babies and we all decided to buy one.

The most popular item recently, however, has been the alphabet mat. This mat consists of 26 colourful squares with pop-out letters. The squares link together to make a big play mat. My parents have one to cover their hardwood floors when their grandkids come over. One of the mothers in my Mothers' Group had one to cover her hard tiles. A rubber mat make a lot of sense for covering hard floors, and this particular item is only $18 from the Reject Shop so it's not going to break the bank. The problem is that all of a sudden absolutely everyone has to have one, so they sold out from the Reject Shop almost instantly. They cost $40 from toy stores, but they've sold out too (so I've heard, I haven't looked).

After a meeting with some mums the other day we were discussing the rubber mat (because the mum hosting the group had one). That same afternoon I had an email from one of the other mums who had rushed out to search for one and was letting us know that she had found a shop with 3 remaining mats in stock.

I had that nagging feeling creeping up inside me again. It was the Fisherprice swing all over again. But I have carpet and I just fail to see how I need the rubber alphabet mat. At 8-months of age Jude's hardly going to be learning to read quite yet. I saw a beautiful giant floor puzzle in Big W for $20 that I liked a lot more than the rubber mat, which I'll keep in mind for when the time comes that Jude is learning things like that. I am not going to buy the rubber alphabet mat, I don't have hard floors and I don't need it, but damn Toy Emulation and that guilty doubt!

I did buy the lumpy rubber ball and the Fisherprice stacking cups, but I bought them because I had seen Jude playing with them and he liked them both, and Jude has the most minimal collection of toys I've ever seen, so I thought it was a good idea to buy him a couple of new toys I knew he already enjoyed. I do admit, however, that even I - the world's least consumer-driven mother in the entire universe - am not immune to the powerful phenomenon that is Toy Emulation.

Songs you can play on the V-Tech Baby Walker

Jude has started standing up (with our support) so it was time to move to a new type of interactive toy. He seemed to be growing bored of the toys he already had, so I put my thinking cap on and decided the perfect toy was something that would encourage him to reach up and press buttons. I found the V-tech First Steps Baby Walker which is a walker, but not one of those hideously dangerous ones that you strap your baby into and then hurl them down a staircase (why those things are bought or sold by anyone is beyond me).

I waited and waited until I found the V-tech baby walker going cheap on Ebay and then I snapped it up. At the moment I think I play with it more than he does. It took me some effort, but I collected a few songs that can be played on the 5-note piano keys. Here they are, numbered and colour-coordinated:

When the Saints go marching in
A C D E
A C D E
A C D E C A C B
C C B A A C E E D
B C D E C A B A

Heidi-Ho (the great big elephant is so slow)
E C E C A
A B C D C B E C A
E C E C A
A B C D C B A
E E C D C E C A
A B C D C B E C A
E C E C A
A B C D C B A

Mary had a little lamb
C B A B C C C
B B B C E E
C B A B C C C
C B B C B A

Jingle Bells
C C C C C C
C E A B C
D D D D D C C
C C C B B C B E
C C C C C C
C E A B C
D D D D D C C
C C E E D B A

Hot Cross Buns
C B A C B A
E E E E
A A A A
C B A

If anyone knows any other 5-note songs that will work as well, please leave me a comment below.

Tricks to cheer up a grumpy baby

I wish I had discovered these little tricks earlier, but I only just stumbled on them now that Jude is nearly 7 months old.

When he is grumpy (not crying or distraught), I can cheer him up instantly by blowing a gentle puff of air on his hair above his forehead. It must tickle him, but he forgets he's in a bad mood and starts smiling and babbling. It's such a wonderful trick.

The other means of instant entertainment is a little harder to describe. I draw a circle in air just above his face and then beep him softly on the nose. He thinks it's hilarious and forgets about having a grump so he can have a laugh instead.

I wonder how much younger he was when these tricks would have started working. If only I'd known them sooner.

When it gets easier to be a mother

"I know it's hard now, but things will get better."

This is the adage that gets thrown around and quoted endlessly to new mothers. It's true, but not at all helpful. When I was a new mother I knew things would get better but the only thing I wanted to know was "when?".

After I joined a mothers group I was able to observe common behaviour among babies of the same age group and it became clear that there are definite changes that occur for all babies of the same age at certain times, and I am here to shine the light at the end of the tunnel for any new mothers so they can clearly see exactly when things will get better.

The first 3 months are tough and babies need a lot of constant attention, but after that things start to improve.

1. At around 3 months all babies can lie on their back on a play mat and swipe purposefully at toys hanging above them as they studiously learn the motor skills required to aim at hanging objects. Parents should introduce this activity from about 2 months. This form of play keeps a baby occupied for only a short time (at first just a few minutes), but will allow an exhausted mother a chance to sit back, eat a sandwich and watch her baby without having to hold and rock her baby in her arms.

2. Around 4 months all babies start to have longer attention spans and greatly improved motor skills when playing with toys. Linked plastic rings are an excellent toy at this age as babies can grasp them easily and enjoy putting them in their mouths. A baby might stay relaxed for about half an hour while sitting on your lap so you can attend mothers group meetings or meet friends for lunch.

3. Around 5 months all babies enjoy lying on a soft mat and playing independently with toys while mum is nearby. This is a great opportunity to get back into yoga (which your baby will find hilariously entertaining) or catch up with some work-from-home.

Note: If you've struggled with sleep patterns with your baby, rest assured that by now (but even before 5 months) tired signs should be very clear (rubbing eyes and yawning) and your baby will have developed his/her own sleep routines. Don't believe the hype, you do not need to force routines on your baby, they will sort themselves out and you don't have to wear yourself thin attempting to keep your baby awake or force feeds when your baby is already asleep.

4. Around 6 months all babies start enjoying food and can grasp rusks and other sticks of age-appropriate food to feed themselves and keep themselves entertained, but always watch your baby eating to make sure s/he doesn't choke. Some babies at this age can sit well on their own, roll around, crawl or even pull themselves up to stand by holding on to furniture. You need to keep an eye on your baby, but you will find more time to be able to do your own thing.

Note: Babies develop these skills at vastly different ages so don't be alarmed if your baby can't do all these things.

An important word about TV: It is not recommended to allow your baby to watch TV. "Experts suspect that babies younger than two years old view TV as a confusing array of colors, images, and noises" (source). So even though TV does mesmerise babies giving mummy more time to herself, it is overstimulating and does absolutely nothing to help your child's development. "Research has demonstrated that many young children believe that TV characters actually live inside the TV set. This can confuse young children’s understanding of the world and get in the way of their learning what’s right or wrong" (source). Yes, it's very tempting to plop baby down in front of Dora or Elmo, but imagine how those TV worlds are interpreted by a baby's mind. It's scary to think.

Parenting without family support

There is some debate these days about what age is best for having children. Whether you're young and full of energy or older with an established career and a passport of travel experiences, one thing remains constant no matter how old you are. It is important to have family around when you have a baby.

This fact has come rushing at us from all angles as we dived into parenthood head-first with no family around to guide us through the murky waters. Jeremy's family lives in the USA and my family lives all over the place, but nowhere near me.

I confess that I didn't ever imagine it would be such a problem. When we first made the decision to start a family we gave ourselves 6 months to settle in to the idea as well as taking a round-the-world holiday as a last hurrah to our easy, child-free life. We thought we were so smart and prepared, but the truth was that the arrival of our baby was a complete shock.

There we were, treading water in the deep-end, trying to keep our heads above the water, with no one to throw a life ring to help us float.

I've since learned that many people have family members come and stay for months while they get used to their new roles as parents. Apparently, according to a mother I met recently, it is customary in Taiwan for new mothers to stay in bed for a month and not lift a finger to do anything. Family is there to do everything for her.

When I told doctors in those first few weeks of Jude's life that there was no family around, they all (every single one) remarked how difficult it would be for me and indicated that I was, therefore, a prime candidate for Post Natal Depression.

It all turned out to be very true. The absence of family was very noticeable. There was never a moment of downtime, there was no one to take Jude for a walk or mind him for a few hours, no one I could trust completely to take control of my life for a while, not even a single person I could ask to help out around the house or perhaps cook a meal for us. Jeremy and I had to do everything for ourselves, and Jeremy only had 2 weeks off work which very quickly put me on a 24/7 roster with not a moment to myself.

How could that not make me exhausted and depressed? How could I not have collapsed under the weight of all that responsibility? If I'd actually known what I was doing, if I'd had some experience as a mother perhaps I could have coped, but it was all new to me and the learning curve was extremely steep.

Now, 6 months down the track, things are much easier and I've settled into my role as mother. I've figured out what I'm doing and the learning curve has levelled out sufficiently so I'm no longer tackling a million new things every moment. People did tell me it would get better, but the problem with being a new mother is that you don't know when it will get better, there's no visible light at the end of the deep dark tunnel of love and with no family around shining a torch to guide the way, it's a very lonely and scary ride.

Why do mothers judge each other?

Where is the solidarity between mothers? Why do we feel a need to cast a side-long glance in the direction of every other mum we pass on the street?

There are so many ways for women to judge each other and I ask the question, do men do that? Do men get through life constantly questioning the moves and motives of every other man, or do they get on with their own lives confidently, not worrying what the father next door is doing?

We, as women and mothers, need to stop being so critical. Does it hurt me or impact on my life in any way, shape or form that you do things differently? If it does not, then I should spare you my judgement.

Whether you choose to stay at home or continue your career, use cloth nappies or disposables, breastfeed your child until he's 3 years old or bottle feed from birth, give your child toys that I don't approve of ... we can disagree about these things until we lie down and die, but it doesn't achieve anything and all that time, all those years of motherhood spent scornfully snarling at each other's choices, merely increases the great gaping divide between us to further isolate and alienate each other.

I now realise that this constant criticism between women and mothers comes from a place of fragile insecurity in ourselves. First and foremost we judge ourselves too easily. We don't expect other women to be super mums, but we do expect that from ourselves. So we try to make the right decisions, we try to do the best we can and so finally we come to the conclusion that our way is the only way.

My supposedly comforting advice to another mother "do whatever is best for you and it will be what's best for your baby" came back to haunt me when, after struggling with breastfeeding for 4 and a half months I finally accepted that I had "failed". Jude was happier now that he was no longer fighting me off at meal times and was getting a full feed, and theoretically I understood that I had done everything I could and it wasn't my fault, but emotionally I continue to struggle. After a month I still find myself wondering if it would be possible to restart breastfeeding as I squeeze a little remnant milk from my nipple just to make sure ... I don't know why.

It doesn't help that when I meet other mothers and share my sad tale they ask me if I did this or tried that, and look at me with disrespect, tearing away at my already tattered ego. It's too late now anyway, even if I hadn't already tried everything. Nothing you can say will change things now and your scorn makes me feel terrible.

Having been on the receiving end of such judgement I see now with wide-open eyes that we, as women and mothers, should be there for each other and put aside our differences to give each other the support and love that we really, really need.

Competing, Lies and Mothers

True to my self-doubting form, I invited a community nurse to visit me at home and observe Jude's sleeping and eating routines. This was about a month ago, before I finally accepted the end of breast feeding and before I realised Jude's sleeping patterns were quite normal.

While the nurse was visiting us Jude slept perfectly (of course), so I ended up chatting with the nurse about motherhood in general and other mums (no single mum in particular). She told me how shocked she often is during group meetings when mums start talking about how perfect their babies are and how well they sleep/feed/learn/play etc. As a community nurse she has spoken to the same mothers in private who say very different things to her about their experience.

I can't help but notice how 90% of the mothers I interact with tell me that their babies sleep through the night, when everything I read in parenting books or hear from the medical health community tells me that most babies don't sleep through the night.

A little probing reveals that "sleeping through" means very different things to different people. One mother I spoke to recently admitted her baby wakes up at 5am every morning ready to start the day. In fact, many of the mothers who claim their babies sleep through are very early risers, out strutting the pavement with their babies and prams at sunrise.

Other mums have revealed that their babies don't sleep until later at night. One mother told me that she is often still awake at midnight struggling to settle her baby to sleep.

Other mothers say "my baby sleeps from 7 til 7," but if you listen carefully you'll hear them mutter under their breath "she wakes up around 3am, but I give her a little drink of milk and a cuddle and she goes back to sleep."



I'm sorry, did I hear that correctly? So what you're really saying is that your baby wakes up in the middle of the night for a feed. How exactly is that "sleeping through"?

The concept of "sleeping through" means to me that a baby goes to bed at 7pm and wakes again at 7am without so much as flinching through the night (they can flinch, as long as it doesn't wake up mum and dad). How many babies do that, I ask? My guess is very very few.

Mothers out there, stop lying! You're not being at all helpful or constructive by painting your picture with rose-hued brush strokes. It isn't a competition, we're supposed to be there to support each other by creating realistic expectations and sharing true information. I'm sure you don't want to be a negative Nelly but there's a big difference between staying positive about your experience and telling outright BS!

Well I'm here to set the record straight. Next time you hear someone telling you their life with baby is perfect, rest assured it simply isn't true.

5-Month-Old Angel

Jude has been perfectly delightful lately. He smiles, giggles and babbles constantly. Just yesterday he discovered that his toes reach his mouth, and it's the cutest thing in the world to see him with his bum in the air, hands grasping his feet and his toes between his gums. Don't be fooled. If you see a cute photo of a baby, there's a very good chance it isn't a newborn. Most likely that cute, smiling little bundle of joy is at least 5 months old.

He's also taken to sleeping a lot during the day. He doesn't sleep for too long, but he sleeps like clockwork. 1 hour of sleep followed by 2 hours of awake time then back to sleep for another hour. However, this means he has 4 day-time sleeps which is more than other babies his age. It is a bit of problem for trying to organise my day, especially now that I'm going to Mothers Group.

I've introduced him to solid food. So far he's eating breakfast and dinner but I'm going to add in lunch (I guess) tomorrow (I have to buy some more food first). Breakfast and dinner are easy to implement, but lunch will be a bit tricky since (a) I have not (and never will) force Jude onto a strict routine just for my own convenience and (b) I'm not sure how to manage lunch if I am out-and-about. Anyway, I'm sure it will sort itself out, these things have a way of just working.

Lately Jeremy has been taking the night shift. Since Jude decided to wean himself off the boob, Jeremy can bottle feed him as easily as I can, and since Jeremy can get back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night and I can't, it makes more sense this way.

However, after 8 solid months of no sleep (including the third trimester when I had pelvic displacement and the pain kept me awake), my body clock was completely out of whack and I just can't sleep any more, so I took some sleeping pills for a few nights to reprogram my sleep patterns and it helped. I have since dropped the sleeping pills and I'm now taking natural melatonin. Last night was a bit difficult for some reason, I think because I had a set-back the night before when the neighbours decided to do aerobics in the middle of the night (or something, they probably came home drunk and decided it was a good time for Dance Dance Revolution).

I just have to keep working on it. I know I'm not alone. I know there are other mothers out there who can't get back to sleep after feeding their babies, either (although I am yet to meet one), but I wonder if I'm the only mother who still can't sleep even now I don't have to get up to feed my baby.